For Peace in Syria, Assad Needs a Nobel Prize.
‘United States of Europe’ 25 Nov. 2015
Peace in Syria. It’s the geopolitical equivalent of trying to buy a cheap PlayStation4 on Black Friday.
But there’s good news. Finally, US politicians are taking the Syrian problem seriously, because of the threat of Syrian refugees. Even though the refugees are about as statistically significant a threat as choking on your pumpkin pie.
Syrian refugees. The ebola of 2015.
And while America is busy negotiating with turkey leftovers, the EU is holding a refugee summit with the actual Turkey. In theory, Turkey is a staunch member of the anti-ISIS fight. But in practice, someone keeps buying their black market oil and giving them weapons to fight the Kurds. And now they’ve escalated by shooting down a Russian plane. With friends like these, we might as well team up with Assad.
In fact, that’s exactly what Vladimir Putin said at the UN General Assembly in September: ‘We have to face the reality that Assad (and the Kurds) are the only viable forces fighting terrorism on the ground right now.’
But is anyone really suggesting the West treat Assad as a strategic partner? President Obama has already made it clear that Assad must be replaced. (…Because our strategy of regime change worked so well in Libya and Iraq.)
But Assad as a strategic partner? That would be like the US saying ‘never mind that you invaded a sovereign country, aided its separatists and shot down a passenger jet, you still get to sit at the table with Turkey and Iran.’
And I mean, America wouldn’t just ally itself with a serious human rights abuser just for strategic reasons: like Saudi Arabia, or like Egypt, or McDonalds.
But Bashar al-Assad as a strategic partner? I mean, he’d have to undergo a complete transformation. He’d have to have a mea culpa moment bigger than Bill Clinton, and he’d have to beg for our forgiveness. In fact, what Assad needs is a total Hollywood makeover.
The Hollywood Makeover team. You never see them. But you do see their results.
Mike Tyson was a sexual abuser. Now he’s a film star.
Sean Penn tied up and tortured Madonna when they were married. Now he’s a humanitarian!
Caitlyn Jenner drove over someone with a car. Now she’s a hero!
With Assad, we’d need the whole nine yards. We’d need to go the full Robert Downey, Jr. Press conference. Celebrity roast. And then he needs a medal. He needs a Nobel Peace Prize.’
But of course that’s out of the question. We can’t give Assad a Nobel Peace Prize. That would be like giving a prize to Yassir Arafat (who received a Nobel Peace Prize in 1994).
Sometimes a Nobel Peace Prize is like buying someone a too-small dress, as an incentive to lose the weight to fit the dress. It’s a nice idea, but it ends up getting ugly.
After all, they gave a prize to Obama – the first Nobel Peace Prize winner to bomb another Nobel Peace Prize winner, Doctors Without Borders.
Giving Assad a Nobel Peace Prize. It may sound crazy. But it’s better than having Assad star in the next ‘Iron Man.’
additional text by: Jeremy Forster, Daniel Hillel-Tuch, Felix Heezemans.